me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
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My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Encore…
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.