MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
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“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.