[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card