I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
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I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!