[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
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9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this![]()
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week