[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
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I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase