it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Bless you
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted