it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
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So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Oh the world we live in…
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Care for your back
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
6. me as a lawyer