Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Just a phase…
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.