“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
everyone has that one prude friend
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”