Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My favorite type of men is ramen.