Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
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does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”