“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”