When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is