Last semester a student asked me why I hadn鈥檛 graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn鈥檛 sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn鈥檛 use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
馃珷
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Before you react, just know that everyone鈥檚 is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave鈥檚 out back punching a hornet鈥檚 nest. Monica鈥檚 wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It鈥檚 absolute chaos.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!