Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
You Might Also Like
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
No Google it does not
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*