Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.