Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Perfection.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.