That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on