me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
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Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“TGIM!” – My liver
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Fries, not lies.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad