Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
You Might Also Like
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
what kind of cook setting is this??
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat