[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami