I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone