I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
You Might Also Like
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
channeling her this year
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
new wife guy just dropped
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.