hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!