How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
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Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.