[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My five year plan is a meteorite
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse