me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I don’t get marriage
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything