Speak now or ever hold your peace
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My therapist after every session
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD