Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.