“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My Plans 2020
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”