“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
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I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.