When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
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My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.