MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
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*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.