The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Y’all ready for this
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday