dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
This is my emotional support knife.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.