Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.