@DaddyJew

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

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@AndLive2Love

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

@TheBoydP

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

@3sunzzz

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

@sarah_edo

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

@pharmasean

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

@MichaelJErhart

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*