Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”


Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?


[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*


I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.


Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy


Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face


Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels


“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*