for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
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when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u