There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
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there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Proctology is located in A55
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂