I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
#gardening
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton