I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.