Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.