Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
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My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”