Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.