POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Battery falling down a hole