no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.