99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
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No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
the rocks need my help
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”