someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
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He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
is this meant to deter me
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
million dollar idea: worm dehorser