Which wines pair best with gloating?
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I need this for my side hustle.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*