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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free