[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
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Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
hmmm
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN