Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
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A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.