I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
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Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it