[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
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My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage